In memory of Lacie Hedahl

I just had a ridiculously clear flashback to my Junior year of high school. Ms. Hedahl pulled me into her office and was talking to me about the movie Hairspray that had recently come out.
She kept telling me how much the character reminded her of me- and how I should be playing that part.

Before that moment, I had never even really heard much of Hairspray. Just a few songs and the story. But when she told me that, I of course had to find out for myself.

And sure enough, I fell in love. Because of what Ms. Hedahl said. And what a compliment. To remind someone of Tracy. A strong, optimistic, loving girl. And she told me that she hoped I got the opportunity to do that show one day.

Well, Thursday is right around the corner, and I get to be Tracy. For one night. On the big stage.


I thought about this conversation when I was writing my bio for the program, and ended up dedicating the entire experience to Ms. Hedahl. Because I really do owe it to her. Not just the love for the show, but for the music. And the passion. And the support.

We take advantage of what it feels like to have someone believe in you so strongly.

I am so lucky. I am the understudy, and the beautiful and talented Lindsey Hedberg, who's playing Tracy, GAVE me a show. And now I have family driving ridiculous miles to come see, friends coming from all over, and their families coming along for the show.
And I am so grateful. And blessed.
But I really wish there was one seat with Lacie Hedahl sitting in it. I feel like everything has kind of worked up to this moment- and if she could be there... well. I know she'd be proud. And that's the best I can do.

I just hope she hasn't been forgotten yet.
I think about her every day- how could I not? Especially with everything lately? I know she'll be there helping me through all my nerves and doubts when that curtain opens.

It's been about 9 months since Ms. Hedahl passed away, but that day in her office feels like yesterday.

Just take a minute to be grateful for every person around you who loves you and supports you. It's truly one of the greatest gifts in the world.

The last two weeks feel like it's been a month.

Putting a show together in 2 weeks is crazy. Putting a show the size of Hairspray together in two weeks- is ridiculous.
And I love it.

It's really weird to think about the first day of rehearsal and that it was only 14 days ago- because it really does feel like SO much longer than that.

In such a short period of time and working so closely with people- it pretty much forces you to bond quickly. Some of these people- I feel like I've known forever.

It's just a reoccurring theme I guess- my obsession with this world of theatre.

We opened Hairspray last night- and it was amazing. The last couple days have been... shaky. People on edge and the show not quite where it needed to be- but it made it that much more incredible when the show was practically flawless on opening night.
This whole thing is just so new to me- it's my first professional show and summerstock show and I'm learning so much. I don't know how they did it in 2 weeks but they did.

And I didn't think it was possible- but now I'm even more obsessed with Hairspray than before.
I'm more obsessed with theatre than before.

This whole thing is so different, too, because I almost feel like a crew member- rather than a cast member. Singing backstage and helping with quick changes and never seeing the audience- it's all very strange. But I wouldn't change this experience for anything.

Biggest thing I learned through this: I wasn't ready to be Tracy. Vocally and dancing-wise, ya sure- I could do it (gee I hope so seeing as I have a show on Thursday!!!) :) but I really think that I've learned so much... SO much... by being a little more out of the picture- and everything I HAVE learned is stuff that I needed to learn- and will help me so so so much in my journey. I've been under the radar, and I've been able to see how the professional theatre world kinda works. How to treat the production team, how to act during tech week, how to treat your fellow cast members, and the most important- how to stay out of the way when you need to. I didn't think that would be something I'd need to learn- but it's WAY more important than I realized.

And by being the understudy- I feel- that I've kinda taken on a role of being a reliable support system for the cast. Lord knows I love taking care of people- and I think I even do it for me, because that feeling of uselessness that has passed through me on countless occasions through this process is no fun. Hell- covering Link's tattoo last night might have been the highlight of my night because I felt needed.
So it's a little trying-
But if it's not trying, you don't grow from it.

I am grateful for everything that has happened. And am now, more than ever, a strong believer in everything happens for a reason.
Lindsey Hedberg is so flippin talented. And deserves the role of Tracy. No doubt. And I have actually learned a lot from even just watching her.
From watching and working with everyone.
I'm in love.
With this cast. Aside from the Musical Comedy Murders of 1940s cast (which I don't know if ANY show will beat that cast), Hairspray is my favorite cast to work with.

I know me. I know I get attached so easily to people. I'm a puppy is what I am. And I literally have fallen in love with these people. But the cool thing is- we all met under this crazy circumstance of being thrown into the process of putting together a 2 1/2 hour - cast of 28- musical- in two weeks- and it'll end just as quickly.
But there will be opportunities to work with the exact same people in the future.

And I need to learn to let go easier :) In this big world, I have to realize not everyone falls in love so easily. But I won't stop. As hard as it is to say goodbye ( and now I'm also talking about people not necessarily involved with theatre) it's better to have attached to these people and loved on them while I could- than to look back and think - man. This person was really cool. I should have let them know or spent more time with them.

Who wants to look back on life and think "what if?"


[today my link is to yet ANOTHER youtube page- that is still growing. We did a company Cabaret and this is a video of me and the girl playing Tracy. We had all known each other for maybe 5 days? There will be another Cabaret on the 18th- so more videos will be posted.]


http://www.youtube.com/user/CSTcabaret

“Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.”

Without Love

Day 3- well only half way through Day 3- of Hairspray rehearsals. And it's already incredible.
I will talk about it again again- I LOVE THEATRE and the world and people that come along with it. We have a cast of 28- and by the end of the first day it was so obvious that it was going to be a fun process. Everyone joking and poking fun and just having a great time. The girl playing Tracy that I'm understudying for is WOW. Talk about belting your face off! So great- AND not only that- but she was nice enough to just GIVE me a show. Which I still can't believe---
SO- I get to actually BE Tracy in ONE show- for CDA SUmmer Theatre- on AUGUST 12! People... this is a big deal for me haha. And I know it's expensive- but if you can- please come :)
I'm just having the greatest time.
A) I'm out of my house
B) I'm not babysitting (haha
)C) And most importantly- Understudying is a completely new experience. Kind of a lot of down time so far... but being able to watch all the aspects of the rehearsal and help out where I can... it's so new and I kind of love it.
It still hasn't sunk in that I'm going to be going on as Tracy. Like- right now my mind is still saying "understudy". I don't think it will hit me until the day before, probably. When I'm thinking, "um holy shit... I have to do all this... not just block it in the background..."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHvo eghr;rhgseg;ih;oeijg;ortigho;irhfadjkfngrighwoifghenoeirghoifhgo;irhg;osig
That's the only way to REALLY describe it.
That's all really that my blog is about for now. I am falling in love with every single person in this cast.

There's even an old friend/choreographer in the cast that I had NO idea we were like... the same person. We have the same goofy sense of humor and I have REALLY enjoyed finally getting to know her better and being a spaz with her :)
And all of the out of town people are great. Like I said- falling in love with EVERYONE.

Did I mention that I get to spend every single day surrounded by THE most talented people I have ever met? Literally.

Can't really complain about anything in my life right now. I really hope everyone else is having a great summer... this has been- by far- the greatest summer of my short life.


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

OH ya... and ticket information of course
*** groups of 10+ get cheaper tickets!!!***

http://cdasummertheatre.com/tickets.html AUGUST 12!!!

The People

Today's addition to the blog is a link ALONG with a video. Now.. this video is FROM the link. So if you like the video and want to see more- you'll just have to follow the link :) Which I hope you do. First the video- then the explanation:

LINK: http://www.youtube.com/user/MandNEms8

Okay. So. This is my second YouTube account- and I think I like this one even more than my first one.

The night started out pretty slowly and everyone was just sharing music and poetry- and I chose this video because this summed up the whole night perfectly (in my eyes). Three people with guitars, 12 (give or take a few) other people with voices and art and opinions, and we just started playing.

I didn't even know how to play the song- I just followed Brit and Mike- and everyone jumped in when they wanted. Even if they didn't know the words.

The page isn't complete yet- I have a couple more videos on my camera that I need to put on. First I need permission from the artists on whether or not they want their poetry on here.

And the reason I'm blogging this is because it was the best night of my summer. By a long shot. Everyone was just there for the art. And it was the coolest feeling being able to be in the presence of such vulnerability and true beauty. Like- these people trusted us enough to share their souls.

And holy shit- these people are talented. The lyrics they came up with and the guitar, the rhythm and rhyme to the poetry... it was so beautiful. I have the most talented people in my life :) And I am so grateful for that.

That whole blog I wrote about inspiration- I thought it was amazing being inspired by a recording artist. And then- I was inspired by my friends. People I KNOW and hang out with. Even the people I had just recently met- I consider them friends. I bonded more with them in 2 nights than I did with most people in high school.

Another reason I love my world of theatre :)

Completely inspired.

What a great summer :)

On a different note- Hairspray starts on Saturday and HOLY SHIT I'm excited. I have my book all ready, I've been working on memorizing, Which, by the way, is SO hard all on my own. But it's been a great learning experience. And I got my rehearsal schedule yesterday... it's gonna be a busy 2 weeks leading up to opening.

Then we do three weekends of the show! That's so many shows! And then we close the 21st and I move back to Moscow the very next day. So... busy busy. The only downside is moving back the 22nd. I'm missing general auditions AND now, most likely call-backs for the Fall Semester. Luckily both of the directors for the fall shows are amazing and totally understanding.

And then Mandatory staff meeting at the rec the night of the 22nd- which- as everyone knows- is gonna be a huge joke. It always is- after we all haven't seen each other in a few months.

Steve and I, of course, are going to get in trouble for laughing. We always do :) Jill and I will text each other Harry Potter spells and probably get in a fight by the end of the meeting, and I'll flirt with the new employees.

Can't Wait.

So moving in and unpacking will be kind of a slow process.

Luckily (here I go again with the gushing) I have the world's greatest friends. Heather and her sister have been letting me use their storage space all summer- so I didn't have to move ANY of the big stuff back home. That'll make my life a little easier.

And my super amazing roommate, I'm sure, won't mind a couple boxes laying around for the first week :)

So that's the update I guess.

Overall- I'm pretty stoked on life.

All of the people I've met this summer- I completely adore.

All of the people I've RE-connected with this summer, I couldn't be happier about how it's gone.

All of the people I've grown closer to...

It's been a great summer. Possibly the best ever. And Hairspray hasn't even started yet :)

Don't forget to check out the youtube page! There'll be more vids to come an soon! *So you don't have to scroll ALL the way back up...*

http://www.youtube.com/user/MandNEms8

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose."
- Tehyi Hsieh

Love, Save the Empty

{Navy Taxi by Kate Nash}

What a strange day. Slash- strange week.

I am ready to be back in Moscow- it must sound like I'm bipolar or something. The happiness of being home was short-lived.

But thankfully- the rest of the summer should go rather smoothly. I'm going to Moscow this weekend to see 2 of the shows, and Mandie and John before they leave me to be grown-ups. Should prove to be a great weekend- always is :)

Half the fun is the drive- I would drive forever if I could. I love driving. And the drive from Coeur d'Alene to Moscow-over the Palouse- is beautiful. Especially during the summer. In my truck. It's like the perfect combination.

And then I come home and work my ass off to be completely ready for Hairspray rehearsal to start next weekend! And then the summer will just go by too fast once that starts. It always works that way.

And then school starts. And I'll wish I was back here :)

Update since my last blog- I've written 2 songs. Both still pretty rough- but ready to work on and perfect. One more so than the other. I've been attached to my guitar the last year and a half that I've kind of ignored the piano.

And after I wrote last time, I went and sat down at our baby grand and it was just pretty freakin easy. So I've put the guitar away for a little while- taking a break. And then maybe when I pick it up again I'll have the same response as I did with the piano.

That's really all- some exciting/interesting stuff has happened this week- but nothing I'm comfortable blogging about. I kinda like it being a secret :)

Deep moment of the blog- I kept telling myself that the friends I made this last year are the kind of friends you have for life- that you never lose touch with. And deep down I was worried that we'd grow apart.

OF COURSE we'll grow apart. Hello- it's part of life- and that is DEFINITELY something I have learned over my short little life.

But yesterday- I had a huge sense of reassurance when I looked at my Twitter and saw a sweet little message from Chase, and talked to Mandie on the phone for a long time. About boys- of course :)

And it just kinda really sunk in that I will always have them.

And that's a great feeling.

The kind of feeling that makes colors brighter and makes the world look like a better place.

I need to start reminding myself that despite the bad-

I'm a pretty lucky girl.

[QUOTE, Sucka!]

It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.
-Hermann Hesse

To Inspire

WOW. I am in such an emotional and open place right now. In a good way, I think. I'm allowing myself to feel, which I don't always do. I know my theatre coffee gang would be really proud of me :)

This video is....beautiful. Sara Bareilles has been someone I admired since I first heard her. She has a powerful, bluesy voice- kinda like I would describe my own. They sound very different, but are similar all in the same. Her new album comes out first week of September, and I DO NOT want to wait. So she just did a session with VH1, and even though this is an old song, I'm so glad she sang it, because it's one of her best. And I'm going through it right now. SHE just keeps getting better though.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

This just reassures me that I want to be a musician. Broadway would be great, and I want to do that too, but this is what I've ALWAYS wanted. To sing my music to people who want to listen. To move people with my music.

Too bad I'm a chicken and can't yet bring myself to share that part of my soul yet.

In honoring for Kelly's class this last year, she asked me to take my honoring to Caitlin to the next step and actually sing the song I wrote.

Those who know me- I love attention. I love the spotlight. And I'll sing anytime. But that was such a hard moment for me. Sitting in front of the most accepting people, in the SAFEST place in the world for me, and shaking- not even able to phrase the song correctly because I was so nervous.

I don't know why it's so hard.

Yes I do. It's because the music I write IS my soul. I don't sugar coat anything- and my lyrics are no where up to par with Ingrid and Sara- but they're my own- and that scares the shit out of me know that people are going to be listening to them. Judging them (how I see it). My inner most secrets and feelings. Terrifying. But I think I really need to take that risk. Just do it- go for it. Who cares is people don't like it? It's mine. Right?

Geez I'm just SO inspired right now. And someday I want to have a young girl hear me sing one of my songs and be completely inspired to have music in HER life.

Sara Bareilles is a true artist to me. So is Ingrid Michaelson. And Ben Folds. These three, specifically, because 1) They write their own music 2)With no inhibitions 3)They SOUND GOOD LIVE

That's the main thing- for me- when deciding if I really respect and admire an artist. If they can't perform live, then they're just using the recording studio and producers and machines to sound good- and that's bullshit.

I'm really just blurbing out everything I'm thinking right now, my mind is RACING and my fingers are trying to keep up.

I've decided. Right now.

I'm going to get a set together and play a full set of JUST my songs. Before summer is over. No covers. Just my own stuff.

You have to start somewhere right? I have... maybe.... 12 spiral notebooks FULL of lyrics. Given, some of them are from when I first started writing (aka when I was 12) and are adorably terrible (Allana can testify. The only one I share my complete soul with) :]

I wanna write new stuff though. When I get inspired like this, my mind works better and I get this... ADRENALINE rush. I don't know how to fully explain it but I'm feeling it right now. It's like feeling anxious and excited and nervous-- so my stomach is doing flip-flops. But in a good way! Okay I probably sound like a crazy- but my mind is racing and I just needed to blog.

I love being inspired :)

Quote today:

Always dream and shoot higher than you know how to.
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.
-William Faulkner

I Love You Because

I Love You Because- A Modern Day Musical.

Thanks to Heather McQuarrie and some fun research, I've quickly fallen in love with this musical.

And I thought it was a cute title but I didn't really think about it- until I listened to the title number- and it's now a phrase that makes me go "awwww" and wanna cry when I hear it or think about it.

Marcy sings a song called "Even Though" (that personally I think Heather sings better than the girl from the OBC) and it's just about how she loves Austin despite all of his flaws and keeps saying she loves him "Anyway".

Then Austin tells her that it's easy to say "I love you, anyway", but I don't. I love you because.

Because of all the flaws and quirks.

I just think that's the greatest thing EVER.

And I can't stop listening to the songs. So the clips today are just songs. From the musical. But again, had trouble finding MP3s for them. Thank God for Youtube!

The first one is Marcy singing "Just Not Now"- after Austin tells her he loves her and she just isn't ready for that. (I'm also singing this next year for Studio because I'm OBSESSED with it.)

This next one is Even Though- also sung by Marcy.

And this last one is the title number of the show "I Love You Because" which ends the show and kinda wraps both relationships up (Marcy-Austin and Diana-Jeff)

If you're interested in the show at all- it's all on the youtube channel that these are on. My favorite number of the whole show is "But I Do".

I really hope we do this in the Spring :)

ANYWAY- now that that's said and done- I realize how depressing my last entry was. And thanks to Chase- who I've always relied on for honesty and great advice and validation- he put it into perspective for me.

Not saying I'm magically fine now and I got closure and everything's perfect and I've moved on. Not the case. But it's a great start :)

Maybe it's all the vitamin D I'm getting today- Summer finally decided to show up! Which also means traffic and tourists- but can you blame them for wanting to be in the gorgeous city? I can't.

Today has been spent mostly working on Hairspray script and music. I'm gonna be able to do the whole show in my sleep. Even though I probably won't even go on stage- I'm gonna be ready haha.

And that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I'm really stoked to be working on the show and just reading the script and music makes me so happy inside and out. It's a great feeling :) I can see the whole show in my head playing out and it's just--- there's nothing else like it!

Nothing too philosophical for today's blog. Lots of thoughts- but nothing too pressing.

To leave you with this today :

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” - Epicurus