Without Love

Day 3- well only half way through Day 3- of Hairspray rehearsals. And it's already incredible.
I will talk about it again again- I LOVE THEATRE and the world and people that come along with it. We have a cast of 28- and by the end of the first day it was so obvious that it was going to be a fun process. Everyone joking and poking fun and just having a great time. The girl playing Tracy that I'm understudying for is WOW. Talk about belting your face off! So great- AND not only that- but she was nice enough to just GIVE me a show. Which I still can't believe---
SO- I get to actually BE Tracy in ONE show- for CDA SUmmer Theatre- on AUGUST 12! People... this is a big deal for me haha. And I know it's expensive- but if you can- please come :)
I'm just having the greatest time.
A) I'm out of my house
B) I'm not babysitting (haha
)C) And most importantly- Understudying is a completely new experience. Kind of a lot of down time so far... but being able to watch all the aspects of the rehearsal and help out where I can... it's so new and I kind of love it.
It still hasn't sunk in that I'm going to be going on as Tracy. Like- right now my mind is still saying "understudy". I don't think it will hit me until the day before, probably. When I'm thinking, "um holy shit... I have to do all this... not just block it in the background..."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHvo eghr;rhgseg;ih;oeijg;ortigho;irhfadjkfngrighwoifghenoeirghoifhgo;irhg;osig
That's the only way to REALLY describe it.
That's all really that my blog is about for now. I am falling in love with every single person in this cast.

There's even an old friend/choreographer in the cast that I had NO idea we were like... the same person. We have the same goofy sense of humor and I have REALLY enjoyed finally getting to know her better and being a spaz with her :)
And all of the out of town people are great. Like I said- falling in love with EVERYONE.

Did I mention that I get to spend every single day surrounded by THE most talented people I have ever met? Literally.

Can't really complain about anything in my life right now. I really hope everyone else is having a great summer... this has been- by far- the greatest summer of my short life.


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

OH ya... and ticket information of course
*** groups of 10+ get cheaper tickets!!!***

http://cdasummertheatre.com/tickets.html AUGUST 12!!!

The People

Today's addition to the blog is a link ALONG with a video. Now.. this video is FROM the link. So if you like the video and want to see more- you'll just have to follow the link :) Which I hope you do. First the video- then the explanation:

LINK: http://www.youtube.com/user/MandNEms8

Okay. So. This is my second YouTube account- and I think I like this one even more than my first one.

The night started out pretty slowly and everyone was just sharing music and poetry- and I chose this video because this summed up the whole night perfectly (in my eyes). Three people with guitars, 12 (give or take a few) other people with voices and art and opinions, and we just started playing.

I didn't even know how to play the song- I just followed Brit and Mike- and everyone jumped in when they wanted. Even if they didn't know the words.

The page isn't complete yet- I have a couple more videos on my camera that I need to put on. First I need permission from the artists on whether or not they want their poetry on here.

And the reason I'm blogging this is because it was the best night of my summer. By a long shot. Everyone was just there for the art. And it was the coolest feeling being able to be in the presence of such vulnerability and true beauty. Like- these people trusted us enough to share their souls.

And holy shit- these people are talented. The lyrics they came up with and the guitar, the rhythm and rhyme to the poetry... it was so beautiful. I have the most talented people in my life :) And I am so grateful for that.

That whole blog I wrote about inspiration- I thought it was amazing being inspired by a recording artist. And then- I was inspired by my friends. People I KNOW and hang out with. Even the people I had just recently met- I consider them friends. I bonded more with them in 2 nights than I did with most people in high school.

Another reason I love my world of theatre :)

Completely inspired.

What a great summer :)

On a different note- Hairspray starts on Saturday and HOLY SHIT I'm excited. I have my book all ready, I've been working on memorizing, Which, by the way, is SO hard all on my own. But it's been a great learning experience. And I got my rehearsal schedule yesterday... it's gonna be a busy 2 weeks leading up to opening.

Then we do three weekends of the show! That's so many shows! And then we close the 21st and I move back to Moscow the very next day. So... busy busy. The only downside is moving back the 22nd. I'm missing general auditions AND now, most likely call-backs for the Fall Semester. Luckily both of the directors for the fall shows are amazing and totally understanding.

And then Mandatory staff meeting at the rec the night of the 22nd- which- as everyone knows- is gonna be a huge joke. It always is- after we all haven't seen each other in a few months.

Steve and I, of course, are going to get in trouble for laughing. We always do :) Jill and I will text each other Harry Potter spells and probably get in a fight by the end of the meeting, and I'll flirt with the new employees.

Can't Wait.

So moving in and unpacking will be kind of a slow process.

Luckily (here I go again with the gushing) I have the world's greatest friends. Heather and her sister have been letting me use their storage space all summer- so I didn't have to move ANY of the big stuff back home. That'll make my life a little easier.

And my super amazing roommate, I'm sure, won't mind a couple boxes laying around for the first week :)

So that's the update I guess.

Overall- I'm pretty stoked on life.

All of the people I've met this summer- I completely adore.

All of the people I've RE-connected with this summer, I couldn't be happier about how it's gone.

All of the people I've grown closer to...

It's been a great summer. Possibly the best ever. And Hairspray hasn't even started yet :)

Don't forget to check out the youtube page! There'll be more vids to come an soon! *So you don't have to scroll ALL the way back up...*

http://www.youtube.com/user/MandNEms8

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose."
- Tehyi Hsieh

Love, Save the Empty

{Navy Taxi by Kate Nash}

What a strange day. Slash- strange week.

I am ready to be back in Moscow- it must sound like I'm bipolar or something. The happiness of being home was short-lived.

But thankfully- the rest of the summer should go rather smoothly. I'm going to Moscow this weekend to see 2 of the shows, and Mandie and John before they leave me to be grown-ups. Should prove to be a great weekend- always is :)

Half the fun is the drive- I would drive forever if I could. I love driving. And the drive from Coeur d'Alene to Moscow-over the Palouse- is beautiful. Especially during the summer. In my truck. It's like the perfect combination.

And then I come home and work my ass off to be completely ready for Hairspray rehearsal to start next weekend! And then the summer will just go by too fast once that starts. It always works that way.

And then school starts. And I'll wish I was back here :)

Update since my last blog- I've written 2 songs. Both still pretty rough- but ready to work on and perfect. One more so than the other. I've been attached to my guitar the last year and a half that I've kind of ignored the piano.

And after I wrote last time, I went and sat down at our baby grand and it was just pretty freakin easy. So I've put the guitar away for a little while- taking a break. And then maybe when I pick it up again I'll have the same response as I did with the piano.

That's really all- some exciting/interesting stuff has happened this week- but nothing I'm comfortable blogging about. I kinda like it being a secret :)

Deep moment of the blog- I kept telling myself that the friends I made this last year are the kind of friends you have for life- that you never lose touch with. And deep down I was worried that we'd grow apart.

OF COURSE we'll grow apart. Hello- it's part of life- and that is DEFINITELY something I have learned over my short little life.

But yesterday- I had a huge sense of reassurance when I looked at my Twitter and saw a sweet little message from Chase, and talked to Mandie on the phone for a long time. About boys- of course :)

And it just kinda really sunk in that I will always have them.

And that's a great feeling.

The kind of feeling that makes colors brighter and makes the world look like a better place.

I need to start reminding myself that despite the bad-

I'm a pretty lucky girl.

[QUOTE, Sucka!]

It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.
-Hermann Hesse

To Inspire

WOW. I am in such an emotional and open place right now. In a good way, I think. I'm allowing myself to feel, which I don't always do. I know my theatre coffee gang would be really proud of me :)

This video is....beautiful. Sara Bareilles has been someone I admired since I first heard her. She has a powerful, bluesy voice- kinda like I would describe my own. They sound very different, but are similar all in the same. Her new album comes out first week of September, and I DO NOT want to wait. So she just did a session with VH1, and even though this is an old song, I'm so glad she sang it, because it's one of her best. And I'm going through it right now. SHE just keeps getting better though.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

This just reassures me that I want to be a musician. Broadway would be great, and I want to do that too, but this is what I've ALWAYS wanted. To sing my music to people who want to listen. To move people with my music.

Too bad I'm a chicken and can't yet bring myself to share that part of my soul yet.

In honoring for Kelly's class this last year, she asked me to take my honoring to Caitlin to the next step and actually sing the song I wrote.

Those who know me- I love attention. I love the spotlight. And I'll sing anytime. But that was such a hard moment for me. Sitting in front of the most accepting people, in the SAFEST place in the world for me, and shaking- not even able to phrase the song correctly because I was so nervous.

I don't know why it's so hard.

Yes I do. It's because the music I write IS my soul. I don't sugar coat anything- and my lyrics are no where up to par with Ingrid and Sara- but they're my own- and that scares the shit out of me know that people are going to be listening to them. Judging them (how I see it). My inner most secrets and feelings. Terrifying. But I think I really need to take that risk. Just do it- go for it. Who cares is people don't like it? It's mine. Right?

Geez I'm just SO inspired right now. And someday I want to have a young girl hear me sing one of my songs and be completely inspired to have music in HER life.

Sara Bareilles is a true artist to me. So is Ingrid Michaelson. And Ben Folds. These three, specifically, because 1) They write their own music 2)With no inhibitions 3)They SOUND GOOD LIVE

That's the main thing- for me- when deciding if I really respect and admire an artist. If they can't perform live, then they're just using the recording studio and producers and machines to sound good- and that's bullshit.

I'm really just blurbing out everything I'm thinking right now, my mind is RACING and my fingers are trying to keep up.

I've decided. Right now.

I'm going to get a set together and play a full set of JUST my songs. Before summer is over. No covers. Just my own stuff.

You have to start somewhere right? I have... maybe.... 12 spiral notebooks FULL of lyrics. Given, some of them are from when I first started writing (aka when I was 12) and are adorably terrible (Allana can testify. The only one I share my complete soul with) :]

I wanna write new stuff though. When I get inspired like this, my mind works better and I get this... ADRENALINE rush. I don't know how to fully explain it but I'm feeling it right now. It's like feeling anxious and excited and nervous-- so my stomach is doing flip-flops. But in a good way! Okay I probably sound like a crazy- but my mind is racing and I just needed to blog.

I love being inspired :)

Quote today:

Always dream and shoot higher than you know how to.
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.
-William Faulkner

I Love You Because

I Love You Because- A Modern Day Musical.

Thanks to Heather McQuarrie and some fun research, I've quickly fallen in love with this musical.

And I thought it was a cute title but I didn't really think about it- until I listened to the title number- and it's now a phrase that makes me go "awwww" and wanna cry when I hear it or think about it.

Marcy sings a song called "Even Though" (that personally I think Heather sings better than the girl from the OBC) and it's just about how she loves Austin despite all of his flaws and keeps saying she loves him "Anyway".

Then Austin tells her that it's easy to say "I love you, anyway", but I don't. I love you because.

Because of all the flaws and quirks.

I just think that's the greatest thing EVER.

And I can't stop listening to the songs. So the clips today are just songs. From the musical. But again, had trouble finding MP3s for them. Thank God for Youtube!

The first one is Marcy singing "Just Not Now"- after Austin tells her he loves her and she just isn't ready for that. (I'm also singing this next year for Studio because I'm OBSESSED with it.)

This next one is Even Though- also sung by Marcy.

And this last one is the title number of the show "I Love You Because" which ends the show and kinda wraps both relationships up (Marcy-Austin and Diana-Jeff)

If you're interested in the show at all- it's all on the youtube channel that these are on. My favorite number of the whole show is "But I Do".

I really hope we do this in the Spring :)

ANYWAY- now that that's said and done- I realize how depressing my last entry was. And thanks to Chase- who I've always relied on for honesty and great advice and validation- he put it into perspective for me.

Not saying I'm magically fine now and I got closure and everything's perfect and I've moved on. Not the case. But it's a great start :)

Maybe it's all the vitamin D I'm getting today- Summer finally decided to show up! Which also means traffic and tourists- but can you blame them for wanting to be in the gorgeous city? I can't.

Today has been spent mostly working on Hairspray script and music. I'm gonna be able to do the whole show in my sleep. Even though I probably won't even go on stage- I'm gonna be ready haha.

And that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I'm really stoked to be working on the show and just reading the script and music makes me so happy inside and out. It's a great feeling :) I can see the whole show in my head playing out and it's just--- there's nothing else like it!

Nothing too philosophical for today's blog. Lots of thoughts- but nothing too pressing.

To leave you with this today :

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” - Epicurus

Jar of Hearts

I've decided to include a clip in every blog entry I do now. Mostly music, I'm thinking. Because I like some pretty obscure stuff and I would like to share it with the world ("the world" being my 13 followers) :]

Maybe a good youtube video now and then too. I don't understand when people can spend endless amounts of time in youtube. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE youtube, but I can't just sit down and search random things. I've tried with Madison haha. But she's legitimately pro at that.

Which is where I actually found most of the hilarious videos I know about.

HOWEVER- the Youtube clip today, available in this particular blog, is called Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. It narrates this specific entry quite perfectly. Couldn't find an MP3 clip to add SORRY! And a big thanks to SYTYCD for the beautiful contemporary piece done to this song :)

AND for the SYTYCD video the dance aforementioned here's the link! ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToDZ9Q2hIBk&feature=player_embedded

I've been putting off blogging because there's only REALLY been one thing on my mind and I just don't.... I just don't. Ha.

Closure is the point of this blog. Closure is what I never got. A year and a half- coming on 2 years later- and I still have no closure.

I've tried- but closure is hard when you can't get away from the person. They're everywhere.

This year was easier. MUCH easier. But still- when you spend so much time with someone, when you fall in love- you have places. You have jokes. You have routines. They're no longer your own- they're something that you have shared with someone else.

So when I (for example) go to read my book in the sunshine at my favorite spot on campus under my favorite big tree, I can't help but be reminded of the many books we shared, puzzles, music discovered, homework helped with, first kisses, second kisses, a millionth kisses, that WE did under my favorite tree. So do I just NOT go to my spot?

I don't think that's fair. But let me tell you- that tree didn't see me ONCE this year. And that makes me sad.

The worst part of it all- is that even after the TERRIBLE things that happened, the betrayal that happened, the jerk-factor of the whole situation- I'd look past it all if you asked me to. That makes me sick. I thought I was stronger than that, and that I had more respect for myself. I know better, but that doesn't seem to matter to me. It's weird.

My good friend Kelly once told me that I deserved to be chased. I was worth fighting for. I think about that constantly, and I know she's right.

I think everyone needs to think about how amazing they are at least once a day, but I don't think they do because they feel selfish or conceited. It's not. It's loving yourself and honoring yourself.

So yes. I am great. I DO deserve to be chased and I DON'T deserve to be treated the way Mr. WLT treated me. (That's for you, Allana) ;)

Still, some closure would be nice..

But how do you get closure when you can't get past the "awe" factor?

SYTYCD- Gravity

Last season on So You Think You Can Dance- this is- out of ALL the seasons- my favorite dance. Not only do I love the song, but holy SHIT this is powerful choreography. And Kayla and Kupono were incredible. Makes me cry every time.

Maria Taylor-Clean Getaway

I made my place by the door.
I didn't know what I was waiting for.
Felt just like home.
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures.

I could see across to the park.
And there were friends, they were laughing hard.
They looked just like my home.
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart.
He felt just like love.
Except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

	Maria Taylor - Clean Getaway .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine