Jar of Hearts

I've decided to include a clip in every blog entry I do now. Mostly music, I'm thinking. Because I like some pretty obscure stuff and I would like to share it with the world ("the world" being my 13 followers) :]

Maybe a good youtube video now and then too. I don't understand when people can spend endless amounts of time in youtube. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE youtube, but I can't just sit down and search random things. I've tried with Madison haha. But she's legitimately pro at that.

Which is where I actually found most of the hilarious videos I know about.

HOWEVER- the Youtube clip today, available in this particular blog, is called Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. It narrates this specific entry quite perfectly. Couldn't find an MP3 clip to add SORRY! And a big thanks to SYTYCD for the beautiful contemporary piece done to this song :)

AND for the SYTYCD video the dance aforementioned here's the link! ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToDZ9Q2hIBk&feature=player_embedded

I've been putting off blogging because there's only REALLY been one thing on my mind and I just don't.... I just don't. Ha.

Closure is the point of this blog. Closure is what I never got. A year and a half- coming on 2 years later- and I still have no closure.

I've tried- but closure is hard when you can't get away from the person. They're everywhere.

This year was easier. MUCH easier. But still- when you spend so much time with someone, when you fall in love- you have places. You have jokes. You have routines. They're no longer your own- they're something that you have shared with someone else.

So when I (for example) go to read my book in the sunshine at my favorite spot on campus under my favorite big tree, I can't help but be reminded of the many books we shared, puzzles, music discovered, homework helped with, first kisses, second kisses, a millionth kisses, that WE did under my favorite tree. So do I just NOT go to my spot?

I don't think that's fair. But let me tell you- that tree didn't see me ONCE this year. And that makes me sad.

The worst part of it all- is that even after the TERRIBLE things that happened, the betrayal that happened, the jerk-factor of the whole situation- I'd look past it all if you asked me to. That makes me sick. I thought I was stronger than that, and that I had more respect for myself. I know better, but that doesn't seem to matter to me. It's weird.

My good friend Kelly once told me that I deserved to be chased. I was worth fighting for. I think about that constantly, and I know she's right.

I think everyone needs to think about how amazing they are at least once a day, but I don't think they do because they feel selfish or conceited. It's not. It's loving yourself and honoring yourself.

So yes. I am great. I DO deserve to be chased and I DON'T deserve to be treated the way Mr. WLT treated me. (That's for you, Allana) ;)

Still, some closure would be nice..

But how do you get closure when you can't get past the "awe" factor?

SYTYCD- Gravity

Last season on So You Think You Can Dance- this is- out of ALL the seasons- my favorite dance. Not only do I love the song, but holy SHIT this is powerful choreography. And Kayla and Kupono were incredible. Makes me cry every time.

Maria Taylor-Clean Getaway

I made my place by the door.
I didn't know what I was waiting for.
Felt just like home.
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures.

I could see across to the park.
And there were friends, they were laughing hard.
They looked just like my home.
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart.
He felt just like love.
Except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

	Maria Taylor - Clean Getaway .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Clean Getaway

Yikes Bikes. It's been awhile since I've been here.

In more ways than one.

Allow yourself to feel.

I finally made it. I made a clean getaway.

It's funny when we look back and we think about what we wanted. What we thought would make everything easier. Everything better. In reality- those things just complicate everything else. Hide them for the time being, but they can't just be erased.

Money doesn't necessarily make everything else fall into place. Neither does love.

I'm happier right now in this moment than I was a week ago. Two weeks ago.

And that makes everything else easier. That fact- right there. I just had to figure it out.

No more vagueness.

I went to Moscow this last weekend. Everything is better when I'm there. It's not the place- it's the people there.

I feel so lucky with who I am and what I do. Because it has opened me up to the most understanding and incredible people in the world.

The theatre community is the most open and safe community I've ever been a part of. No need to pretend to be someone you're not. I'm ME 100% of the time- and I just can't get over how amazing that is.

And then I come back to CDA and am surrounded by high school. And I'm not reassured like I am in Moscow with my real friends. It's stressful. And finally- I said screw it, and now I've "changed" a lot. No quotes. I've CHANGED a lot. Yes. I have.

And I LOVE who I am. I am a better person now. So who you knew in high school- that's not who I am anymore. But if you want to continue you judge me that way- then I can't stop you. But that's not me.

So being in Moscow was fantastic. Surprising Mandie worked out wonderfully. Waiting outside the CB rehearsal at the Kiva I had butterflies in my stomach. It was like Christmas morning I was so excited.

And the minute I had a Mandie and a Kyle and a Heather and an Erik and a JBohrn wrapped around me I was home.

It literally was like nothing else mattered.

I can honestly say I didn't think about anything else while I was in Moscow. Coeur d'Alene and the people in it didn't exist all weekend.

And I feel a little bad considering what happened right before I left, but that hasn't phased me at all. I'm just simply not sad. I don't want to say I don't care... but...

I may have sprained my ankle in Moscow, but it was well worth it. I met all the people who were from out of town doing summer theatre, and they were amazing as well.

Like I said-- this community is one of a kind. I can't describe it. I met these people who treated me like a close friend 2 minutes after we met. There was no awkwardness no judgement, we were laughing and making fun and sharing music all within a few minutes of meeting each other.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE I can't say it any other way. I LOVE IT.

I wish everyone could experience this feeling.

Sure, people have their few friends they can be themselves around, but are they REALLY being themselves? I remember when I used to think I was, and then I discovered THIS feeling, and they're completely different. And I don't have just a few people, I have a world.

Wouldn't it be interesting if everyone in the world, just for ONE day, dropped all judgement and walls and self-conscious thought and got OUT OF THEIR heads- and everyone was just themselves for a whole day.

Who would you still be friends with? Who would you see differently?

I think that'd be very, very cool.

I also don't think everyone could/would do. Some people are too comfortable with the person they pretend to be around others. With their walls.

I'm very thoughtful today :)

Donkey Kong

Uh oh 2 blogs in one day :)

Just something I was thinking about.

Every time I feel sad about something or frustrated, the first thought that comes to my mind is

"Everything would be better if I were with Chase and Mandie right now".

I miss them so much. They really do make everything better.

Just my random thought this evening. A girl needs her best friends.

King of Anything

Blogs are a funny thing. They're open to everyone- it's not like facebook where only my friends can see it.

You have to be careful about what you write.

And I'm not just talking about me. Even thought what I WANT to write right now, I can't. And I shouldn't.

I've been reading some other blogs and I don't know if people actually realize that everyone can see what they write. I guess it's good though- maybe people should just always assume that what goes on the internet can be seen by anyone. Maybe that would keep people in check.

So even though I'm using this as kind of a virtual journal, my feelings today might just have to go down in the good old fashioned paper journal. One of the many I have piled on my bookcase. So lonely. I bet they're mad at me for switching to this.

I am frustrated. I can say that much. With almost literally EVERYTHING. Things were supposed to get better- and they did. Temporarily. Now it's pretty much back to the way things were.

I didn't run from the things that were bothering me- I just pushed them aside so I could have a few days, a week maybe, of an oasis away from it all. It's still here though.

The stress, the worry, the doubt.

Mostly the doubt.

Hope is a scary thing.

I used to think that everyone should have hope.

Bad news lasts for awhile and then you can move on from it.

Hope strings you along with false promises and daydreams and wishes.

Writing that out sounds so cynical- but it's true. There's not denying it.

Anyway- I'm just gonna be random and spout what's on my mind.

I have a very verbal (yet non-verbal?) almost 2 year old sitting next to me. No words. But lots of talking in her own language :) Every once and a while an "uh oh" or "wow" or "shoes". Right now she's playing with a necklace and making up a song.

I have recently become completely and utterly obsessed with Criminal Minds. I've always liked it, and would watch it over anything else when it was on TV. I'm not really a tv watcher. I have my few shows and that's it. But I started with Criminal Minds because Mandy Patinkin was the main character (Inigo Mantoya from Princess Bride, Yentl, Sunday in the Park with George, SO much more).

And now, I've become so obsessed that I've been watching it online. It's sad. but soooooo good :)

And since I can't say what I REALLY want to say, here are some videos of my incredibly talented friends who I am so FREAKING proud of. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and for them to call me a friend, and I have learned so much, specifically, from these two girls. They're going far in life :)

*Mandie*

*Heather*

Precious

I've been thinking about this all day and thought I would write it down before I forgot. Just in case.

Tonight I am having a girls night with Candace Bruner, Shawnee Baughman, and Allana Schwaab. Pretty much the only people from high school I keep in touch with regularly- like call and text and know how each other's doing constantly.

These girls are family. Candace, Shawnee and I all graduated together. We were the first freshmen at Lake City to ever be allowed into the upper choirs. We started a lot of new traditions and became (as Ms. Hedahl told us constantly) her strongest leaders and the strongest class. We never took that lightly.

After we graduated, and Allana graduated, whenever we would get together it always ended up with pulling out old choir music and just singing. For hours.

Birthday parties, pre-dinner music, sleepovers, we couldn't help ourselves.

It's amazed me- each of these girls is incredible. We are all SO busy and living our lives- we've each gone after exactly what we want. I think that's why I love them so much- they understand if I don't call for a period of time because I'm in a show, or Candace is traveling, or Allana is going to the big city, or Shawnee is being a genius :)

But in our busy lives, not ONCE have we missed a break where we didn't see each other.

And just think about what that means to me- makes me cry.

Sure it's been a shitty day and I'm a little emotional- but still. So cool.

Since Ms. Hedahl passed away- we've gotten together once. It was hard. It was different. It was too soon.

I'm so excited for tonight.

Singing all that music is going to have such a different meaning this time. And rather than trying to get through the sadness, I think it's been just enough time where it's now a celebration of all that she gave us.

These girls will always be my best friends. Not because I hang out with them the most or talk to them the most or blah blah blah- it's because I know that no matter what, they will ALWAYS be there.

That's what a best friend is.

And I do have the best :)