Clean Getaway

Yikes Bikes. It's been awhile since I've been here.

In more ways than one.

Allow yourself to feel.

I finally made it. I made a clean getaway.

It's funny when we look back and we think about what we wanted. What we thought would make everything easier. Everything better. In reality- those things just complicate everything else. Hide them for the time being, but they can't just be erased.

Money doesn't necessarily make everything else fall into place. Neither does love.

I'm happier right now in this moment than I was a week ago. Two weeks ago.

And that makes everything else easier. That fact- right there. I just had to figure it out.

No more vagueness.

I went to Moscow this last weekend. Everything is better when I'm there. It's not the place- it's the people there.

I feel so lucky with who I am and what I do. Because it has opened me up to the most understanding and incredible people in the world.

The theatre community is the most open and safe community I've ever been a part of. No need to pretend to be someone you're not. I'm ME 100% of the time- and I just can't get over how amazing that is.

And then I come back to CDA and am surrounded by high school. And I'm not reassured like I am in Moscow with my real friends. It's stressful. And finally- I said screw it, and now I've "changed" a lot. No quotes. I've CHANGED a lot. Yes. I have.

And I LOVE who I am. I am a better person now. So who you knew in high school- that's not who I am anymore. But if you want to continue you judge me that way- then I can't stop you. But that's not me.

So being in Moscow was fantastic. Surprising Mandie worked out wonderfully. Waiting outside the CB rehearsal at the Kiva I had butterflies in my stomach. It was like Christmas morning I was so excited.

And the minute I had a Mandie and a Kyle and a Heather and an Erik and a JBohrn wrapped around me I was home.

It literally was like nothing else mattered.

I can honestly say I didn't think about anything else while I was in Moscow. Coeur d'Alene and the people in it didn't exist all weekend.

And I feel a little bad considering what happened right before I left, but that hasn't phased me at all. I'm just simply not sad. I don't want to say I don't care... but...

I may have sprained my ankle in Moscow, but it was well worth it. I met all the people who were from out of town doing summer theatre, and they were amazing as well.

Like I said-- this community is one of a kind. I can't describe it. I met these people who treated me like a close friend 2 minutes after we met. There was no awkwardness no judgement, we were laughing and making fun and sharing music all within a few minutes of meeting each other.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE I can't say it any other way. I LOVE IT.

I wish everyone could experience this feeling.

Sure, people have their few friends they can be themselves around, but are they REALLY being themselves? I remember when I used to think I was, and then I discovered THIS feeling, and they're completely different. And I don't have just a few people, I have a world.

Wouldn't it be interesting if everyone in the world, just for ONE day, dropped all judgement and walls and self-conscious thought and got OUT OF THEIR heads- and everyone was just themselves for a whole day.

Who would you still be friends with? Who would you see differently?

I think that'd be very, very cool.

I also don't think everyone could/would do. Some people are too comfortable with the person they pretend to be around others. With their walls.

I'm very thoughtful today :)

Donkey Kong

Uh oh 2 blogs in one day :)

Just something I was thinking about.

Every time I feel sad about something or frustrated, the first thought that comes to my mind is

"Everything would be better if I were with Chase and Mandie right now".

I miss them so much. They really do make everything better.

Just my random thought this evening. A girl needs her best friends.

King of Anything

Blogs are a funny thing. They're open to everyone- it's not like facebook where only my friends can see it.

You have to be careful about what you write.

And I'm not just talking about me. Even thought what I WANT to write right now, I can't. And I shouldn't.

I've been reading some other blogs and I don't know if people actually realize that everyone can see what they write. I guess it's good though- maybe people should just always assume that what goes on the internet can be seen by anyone. Maybe that would keep people in check.

So even though I'm using this as kind of a virtual journal, my feelings today might just have to go down in the good old fashioned paper journal. One of the many I have piled on my bookcase. So lonely. I bet they're mad at me for switching to this.

I am frustrated. I can say that much. With almost literally EVERYTHING. Things were supposed to get better- and they did. Temporarily. Now it's pretty much back to the way things were.

I didn't run from the things that were bothering me- I just pushed them aside so I could have a few days, a week maybe, of an oasis away from it all. It's still here though.

The stress, the worry, the doubt.

Mostly the doubt.

Hope is a scary thing.

I used to think that everyone should have hope.

Bad news lasts for awhile and then you can move on from it.

Hope strings you along with false promises and daydreams and wishes.

Writing that out sounds so cynical- but it's true. There's not denying it.

Anyway- I'm just gonna be random and spout what's on my mind.

I have a very verbal (yet non-verbal?) almost 2 year old sitting next to me. No words. But lots of talking in her own language :) Every once and a while an "uh oh" or "wow" or "shoes". Right now she's playing with a necklace and making up a song.

I have recently become completely and utterly obsessed with Criminal Minds. I've always liked it, and would watch it over anything else when it was on TV. I'm not really a tv watcher. I have my few shows and that's it. But I started with Criminal Minds because Mandy Patinkin was the main character (Inigo Mantoya from Princess Bride, Yentl, Sunday in the Park with George, SO much more).

And now, I've become so obsessed that I've been watching it online. It's sad. but soooooo good :)

And since I can't say what I REALLY want to say, here are some videos of my incredibly talented friends who I am so FREAKING proud of. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and for them to call me a friend, and I have learned so much, specifically, from these two girls. They're going far in life :)

*Mandie*

*Heather*

Precious

I've been thinking about this all day and thought I would write it down before I forgot. Just in case.

Tonight I am having a girls night with Candace Bruner, Shawnee Baughman, and Allana Schwaab. Pretty much the only people from high school I keep in touch with regularly- like call and text and know how each other's doing constantly.

These girls are family. Candace, Shawnee and I all graduated together. We were the first freshmen at Lake City to ever be allowed into the upper choirs. We started a lot of new traditions and became (as Ms. Hedahl told us constantly) her strongest leaders and the strongest class. We never took that lightly.

After we graduated, and Allana graduated, whenever we would get together it always ended up with pulling out old choir music and just singing. For hours.

Birthday parties, pre-dinner music, sleepovers, we couldn't help ourselves.

It's amazed me- each of these girls is incredible. We are all SO busy and living our lives- we've each gone after exactly what we want. I think that's why I love them so much- they understand if I don't call for a period of time because I'm in a show, or Candace is traveling, or Allana is going to the big city, or Shawnee is being a genius :)

But in our busy lives, not ONCE have we missed a break where we didn't see each other.

And just think about what that means to me- makes me cry.

Sure it's been a shitty day and I'm a little emotional- but still. So cool.

Since Ms. Hedahl passed away- we've gotten together once. It was hard. It was different. It was too soon.

I'm so excited for tonight.

Singing all that music is going to have such a different meaning this time. And rather than trying to get through the sadness, I think it's been just enough time where it's now a celebration of all that she gave us.

These girls will always be my best friends. Not because I hang out with them the most or talk to them the most or blah blah blah- it's because I know that no matter what, they will ALWAYS be there.

That's what a best friend is.

And I do have the best :)

Ouvre les yeux

I keep finding myself telling people "Well that's life".

I don't even know if I know what that means.

I'm using "That's life" as a way to minimize my problems and emotions- to avoid letting people know how much I'm actually hurting or feeling something.

I found out last night that one of me and my siblings' best friends from Colorado was murdered on his birthday. Shot in the head. He was 24 that day.

I'm allowed to be upset about that. It's okay. But when people ask if I'm okay- or how I'm doing- people that legitimately care about me (not just asking to be polite)- I say "It's really sad. But that's life"

That's not life. 24 year olds don't just get murdered. I never want that to be "life" to me. I just want to avoid the subject altogether.

This has been a death-filled 6 months for me. And I feel it just as hard with each person- in a new way depending on what kind of affect they had on me. I never want to be someone who is used to people dying. As hard as it is- I want it to hit me this hard every time.

It means I'm still human.

It means I'm still me.

And with all of this happening- with each person that has passed- I think to myself each time- holy crap, life really is so short.

Ms. Hedahl was 39 when she died.

I still think about her every day. Every. Day.

It's so cliche to say "You never know how much someone means to you until they're gone"- but it's so true.

Not that I didn't always love Ms. Hedahl- because I did- but I never knew HOW MUCH. Until I was forced to think about all the great times we had and how much she helped me- and how that had come to an end.

My bio and headshot got put in the program for Coeur d'Alene Summer Theatre. Awesome.

I dedicate everything to her in it.

I remember a specific conversation we had my senior year about Hairspray. She told me I could easily sing the part and I'd be better than the girl in the movie. She was my teacher though- she had to say that :) And I remember her always encouraging me to audition for CDA Summer Theatre

Well I did you one better, Ms. Hedahl- I combined the two :)

I guess- I don't know what really this is about. Just a lot on my mind.

Mostly that I don't want to hold grudges. I don't want to hold onto little things that really don't matter in the long run. The people that I'm mad at for hurting me- I still love them. Doesn't that trump everything else?

I'm always saying that love is stronger than anything else in the world. Maybe I should start listening when I speak.

Maybe it's time for some more changes.

This is For

I am having the best day. The best day in a looong time.

I spent yesterday evening/night with my best friend, Allana. We went to see Killers- and it was pretty much what I expected script-wise, but other than that it exceeded my expectations. It was way funnier than I thought it would be and Ashton Kutcher was SO likable! Which I find is trying with him sometimes. And of course Katherine Heigel (?sp?) was adorable.

Got some good quotes and abbrevs from the movie :)

Then we went to Denny's and for the majority of time just sat there watching the drunk people. The girls sitting next to us ended up talking to us and they were completely wasted and incredibly hilarious. Got some great quotes from them as well!

Then we went back to the place I'm housesitting for and just had a great girls night.

Then this morning I went shopping with my old best friend Jorie that I have recently reconnected with. Something I love: being apart from someone for a long period of time and then when you see each other again it's like nothing ever changed- there's still that same connection.

That's a special friendship/relationship if you ever find it. One that you should hold on to.

We scored some MAJOR deals at Ross- I got 2 new cute dresses and a little belt (inspiration from Mandie and her super cute style). Then we had lunch and I went to Kels' graduation party and got to spend the day with the Holloways.

And now I'm downtown enjoying a blended bowl of soul at Java and listening to Ingrid Michaelson in the sun.

It's pretty much a perfect day.

The only thing that would make it better would be getting to spend time with the boyfriend- but he's spending the day with his family since he leaves tomorrow morning for San Fran :(

This is pretty much just a blog about my day- which probably isn't interesting to anyone but me. But since I'm switching from journaling to blogging- this is the kind of stuff I write about.

I love going back through my journals and reading- in detail- about a specific day and I always am so grateful that I spent the time to write about it- because when I read over it a year or however long later, it takes me right back to the day and I can remember how I felt.... it's like music. And smells. 2 of the most powerful forms of nostalgia.

Anyway.

Basically I love life.

And I want to share something I've learned about and grown to love over the last 2 years.

Goodwill.

In theatre- everything starts from a base of goodwill. You can send it out through yourself to other people just by the energy you give off. And it's such a powerful thing when done truthfully. And it can change a terrible day to a great day.

So I am sending thoughts of goodwill out to everyone- especially those in need of a little today :)

Mind overflow

I have had way too much free time on my hands that I haven't spent wisely.

I've been thinking.

Which is a terrible idea.

I think and then I over-think and then I over-analyze and then I'm just unhappy.

There's been some productive thinking though, too.

For instance, I thought a lot about my last year.

This might not have been the most fun year of my life, or the most stimulating, but it was by far the greatest year of my life so far.

Not because there were awesome parties, or because I was happy for the majority of it (neither of those things are particularly true), it was because it was the most real.

When I moved to Coeur d'Alene (8 years ago in August. Wow.) I was not a happy kid. Living in Billings, Montana had been the worst experience I could ever imagine, and I would never wish that on anyone. All I wanted was to have friends after Montana, and so I sacrificed who I was a little bit to make sure that happened.

And it did. I made lots of friends- some of them I'm still friends with now- and those people have seen me change. A lot. For the good and the bad. And they're still around. And that means a lot.

But I can honestly say it took me 3 years in Idaho to feel comfortable enough to start being my real self.

At the end of Freshman year, I had met some really cool upperclassmen in theatre, and it made me feel okay about showing my "weird" side.

I got better about not trying to be someone I wasn't throughout high school, and while I was going through it- I thought I was being really truthful to myself- but looking back- I wasn't. And it took me until this last year- my sophomore year of college- to see what it REALLY feels like to be 100% myself, 100% of the time.

Let me tell you- It's an incredible feeling.

I owe it all to very specific people.

Biff is the one in highschool who made me see things differently. And she has been someone who has helped me probably more than she knows. She took me under her wing when she was a senior and I was a freshman, and then did it AGAIN at the U of I- and kinda gave me an IN.

Then there's Madison- who is like my twin- just older and wiser. She taught me so much about feeling beautiful as I am and owning who I am.

Then Chase- who taught me ALL about being sassy :) and has just been my big brother- he taught me so much about people and dealing with situations and being an adult. He was so honest with me and that was so refreshing. And he loved me. Truly, sincerely, no reservations, loved me. Loves me.

And Mandie- taught me, like Madison, how to love myself and feel beautiful. My Varya. My sister. Mandie is one of the strongest people I know. She taught me about romance, relationships, life....

And with everything these people taught me, I learned so much about myself. I grew up a lot this year.

I hate to sound all corny- but right now- I miss all of these people so much. They've all graduated and moved away- and they're starting their lives.

So thinking about next year without them is really hard- but knowing how much they passed down to me- I hope I can do that for someone. I hope I can be someone's Chase or Mandie.

I can already tell, this summer, that I'm a different person. And it's for the better. I just see things a lot differently (not to sound cliche) and I get what's important.

Just kinda spilling out what's on my mind- I have some time on my hands babysitting the most self-sufficient kid ever. And I'm here til 5.... so I have plenty more thinking to do :)

Turn To Stone

Let's take a better look

Beyond a story book.

And learn our souls are all we own

Before we turn to stone.

Let's go to sleep with clearer heads.

And hearts too big to fit our beds.

And maybe we won't feel so alone.

Before we turn to stone.

And if you wait for someone else's hand.

Then you will surely fall down.

And if you wait for someone else's hand.

You'll fall.

I know that I am nothing new.

There's so much more than me and you.

But brother how we must atone.

Before we turn to stone.

-Ingrid Michaelson

Bad Blogger

I knew I would be bad at this. At least I'm meeting my expectations.

I'm on my way out of the house- just posting quickly for my 5 readers haha.

Life literally has been a rollercoaster. Involving so much emotion. On Friday I was on the top of the world- I had just been given an ensemble role in Cinderella and was going to be paid for it, I had quit my job and my boss was SUPER supportive about it (which was a huge relief) and I just loved life.

Then, not 15 minutes after I quit my job, I got a call from the director saying he hadn't checked with the costumer before he gave me the job- and she had already made all the costumes for the role- and rather than make all new costumes, they were just gonna find someone the same size as the girl who quit.

Shitty. Deal.

I had to pull over I was crying so hard- I just was so heart broken. I had auditioned and not gotten a part before- and that's fine. It's part of the business. But this... I never thought would happen. To be given a role and then have it taken away?

I could be really pissed at people and bitch and complain- so I took the advice of the mentor Blair Bybee (renowned Broadway choreographer/director that I have had the honor and pleasure of working with) and I took my time to be pissed and mad and sad and feel sorry for myself. And then I wiped away the tears and I started the car and I drove to the theatre.

I dropped in on the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee rehearsal, since Chris Thompson is directing it and invited me, and I gave him a big hug and told him what happened. Hoping for a little pity, Chris gave me a "That sucks but at least they called you for the part". No pity. And that's why I love him. It was reality- I was the first person they called for the part- they know they can rely on me if they need me- and overall, that is the most important thing I need to take away from this.

Then the director gave me a hug and said "please don't hate me!" and I laughed and said of course not! I understand- and then I got to sit in on rehearsal. And what a thing to cheer me up! The cast consisted of mostly people who have been touring with Broadway. SO AMAZING. They were great. And I got to talk to them about school and living in NY and shows... it was a great experience.

So now I'm babysitting A LOT- not bad money, and out of no where (it always seems to happen when you least expect it)- I have an amazing boyfriend.

Someone I have been going to school with since 7th grade- who's always been a great friend- and it just kinda worked. Timing has always been off and interesting- and this summer it just... clicked I guess? :) All I know is that I have some butterflies and I like them. And him. A lot.

A funny thing is that guys suck haha.

They rarely speak their minds. Since we made it "facebook official" (because that is the tell-all of the world now I guess!) guys from my past that have always been just friends are confessing their "true feelings". Like... really? You think NOW is an appropriate time to say something? What do you expect to happen?

I appreciate the honesty- but I guess I just don't understand the intention?

Anyway.

Overall- very happy girl. Regardless of the bad. The good overcomes it- as long as I focus on it- which I will do :)

I will try to be better about blogging. Promise.

Dressed in Yell-a

WELL! It's official-

I GET TO ACCEPT THE ROLE IN CINDERELLA!

I got a response e-mail this afternoon and it was like my perfect world suddenly collided with my reality.

I honestly thought there was no way I'd be able to do the show, but alas, the e-mail offered me VERY generous compensation and I couldn't say no! Not that I wanted to, but... you know what I mean :)

I am just so thrilled. I can't stop smiling-- I know this is local theatre, but this is a big deal for me. I feel like very slowly my dreams are starting to turn from dreams... to goals. There's a big difference.... to me at least.

A goal is something this is obtainable. Realistic. Something you work towards.

A dream is something you hope for, and will work hard for, but somewhere in your mind- it's a little unrealistic and more something that you imagine in your daydreams happening.

I'm meeting all the right people, impressing all the right people, and this is just the right time. It makes my happiness go WAY up and my worries go WAY down. With this JOB (yes a real, true ACTING JOB!!! AHHHHH :D) I will be able to go to Moscow for 4th of July and see Mandie (and everyone else in Moscow but I miss her the most haha), I will make an adequate amount of money, and I'll be doing what I love. AND GETTING PAID.

I don't know if a lot of people my age know what that's like. Actually- rephrase- I don't know if a lot of people of ANY age know what that's like.

What an incredible opportunity, one that I will NOT take advantage of, and am truly grateful for- to do what I love more than anything in the world and get paid for it.... I can't even explain what that feels like.

I'll try.

It feels like right before you get to the top of the rollercoaster. When you're not quite terrified yet, but you know what's coming. The knot in your stomach. Mixed in with walking next to a boy you have liked for a really long time and all of a sudden he grabs your hand. And then your first kiss. The butterflies.

That's how I feel.

It's pretty great.

I honestly can't be thankful enough, though, for my friends (all across the US btw) who have been cheering me up and making me laugh and just being amazing friends. What an incredible support system I have :)

CANNOT WAIT. Lots of blogs to come about the whole adventure :D

Oy Ve!

I wasn't going to blog tonight- I had some stuff on my mind but my great day overcame everything that had been weighing me down earlier. THEN- not 5 minutes ago, I got an e-mail. A great e-mail. But I'm not in the greatest of moods.

For those who don't know- I have been blessed with the greatest opportunity so far in my life. I am the Understudy for Tracy in Hairspray this summer at Coeur d'Alene Summer Theatre.

In August, this will be my 8th year living in Coeur d'Alene, and I have been to at LEAST 1 show of every season that I've lived here. I've saved programs and admired all the people that got their picture and bio in them and always told myself that I would do that one day. And now I get to. Sure, I'm an understudy, and I'm not guaranteed a show, but WOW. What an opportunity! To work with a professional theatre company with professional actors...

The e-mail I received tonight was about a spot that opened up in Cinderella- the second show of the 2010 season (Hairspray is the 4th and last of the season)- offering me to take the role. It's in the ensemble, which would be SO fun considering that all 3 Travolta sisters are in it and I would get to work with Margaret Travolta again. And let me tell you- having spent time with her and Ellen... they are HILARIOUS-- I can't imagine how hilarious all 3 of them are together.

The only problem is the two shows (if I accept the role in Cinderella) are so far apart, that it would be completely unreasonable for me to accept a job, and keep the one I already have. Babysitting could still work, potentially. But that's not nearly enough money for the summer.

My instinct was to immediately say YES OF COURSE ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!

But reality is truly a bitch.

This isn't just my heart and my head and trying to figure out who to follow. This is being realistic. I seriously can't NOT make money this summer. It's not an option. And being a student and the roles offered to me are understudy and ensemble, there's not a great chance of compensation there.

This is all very premature- I've e-mailed the director explaining my situation--- I don't even know the rehearsal schedule so who knows- maybe it could work PERFECTLY with my work schedule!

(This is my perfect world again)

What a great opportunity- I really hope I don't have to pass it up.

Blogger?

I'm not sure if I'm a blogger. I do know that I write a lot- and I don't even know if anyone will follow this blog (if it's worth following?) but this seems like a productive way to save paper from a journal :)

Tonight in particular was an interesting night to start this blog- and for good reasons. I am at my parents house. For the summer.

I love my parents. My mom is my best friend and I am Daddy's little girl. It's nothing that they're doing - it's just being home.

I've finished my second year of college- and just spent this last year in an apartment being a grown up. And I loved it- the freedom, and the responsibility. And now that I'm home it kind of takes away the reality of it- it makes it seem like this last year I was just playing house and now I'm back living with my parents for 2 1/2 months.

I guess maybe I'm ready to start NOT coming home for breaks.

Being home I am constantly surrounded by the worries of my parents- and whether they like it or not- it does affect me and I will worry with them. Money sucks. My parents are incredible, and I am SO blessed. They have helped me, my sister, AND my brother with college- which is more than I could have ever asked. And now it's tight. I'm already changing my student status to part-time come the fall so that I can work 2 jobs.

I have a problem. With deciding whether to follow my head or my heart. And despite how passionate I am (I always assumed that meant I followed my heart), I constantly follow my head.

My heart says "You don't need to be in school right now. Stay home for a year with your parents and work your ass off and make a lot of money- get yourself a car- gain some independence money, and you can always go back to school." That's what my heart wants.

But when you add in what my head is saying, it complicates EVERYTHING. My head knows how much I would be giving up and it can't help but focus on people I would be letting down. My boss, my roommate, my professor, my FRIENDS.

I am constantly dishing out the advice of "Every once and a while you HAVE to be selfish and ask yourself what YOU want." I need to maybe take my own advice. But not now. Maybe later. That's always the response.

What my heart wants, I guess, isn't worth how much I would be disappointing people and letting them down.

In a perfect world, Hairspray would do a revival on Broadway and hold open casting calls, I would spend all the money I have to go to New York and audition, I would kick ass at the part I was MADE to play, and I would never have another freaking worry in the world. In a perfect world...

And in the end- I come back down from the pity cloud, and I think of how much I have to be grateful for. I have the most loving and supportive family, the greatest friends, a talent that keeps me alive, and I'm alive.

But if anyone reading this knows someone or you, personally, want to give away or buy me a car, just let me know :)