Blogger?

I'm not sure if I'm a blogger. I do know that I write a lot- and I don't even know if anyone will follow this blog (if it's worth following?) but this seems like a productive way to save paper from a journal :)

Tonight in particular was an interesting night to start this blog- and for good reasons. I am at my parents house. For the summer.

I love my parents. My mom is my best friend and I am Daddy's little girl. It's nothing that they're doing - it's just being home.

I've finished my second year of college- and just spent this last year in an apartment being a grown up. And I loved it- the freedom, and the responsibility. And now that I'm home it kind of takes away the reality of it- it makes it seem like this last year I was just playing house and now I'm back living with my parents for 2 1/2 months.

I guess maybe I'm ready to start NOT coming home for breaks.

Being home I am constantly surrounded by the worries of my parents- and whether they like it or not- it does affect me and I will worry with them. Money sucks. My parents are incredible, and I am SO blessed. They have helped me, my sister, AND my brother with college- which is more than I could have ever asked. And now it's tight. I'm already changing my student status to part-time come the fall so that I can work 2 jobs.

I have a problem. With deciding whether to follow my head or my heart. And despite how passionate I am (I always assumed that meant I followed my heart), I constantly follow my head.

My heart says "You don't need to be in school right now. Stay home for a year with your parents and work your ass off and make a lot of money- get yourself a car- gain some independence money, and you can always go back to school." That's what my heart wants.

But when you add in what my head is saying, it complicates EVERYTHING. My head knows how much I would be giving up and it can't help but focus on people I would be letting down. My boss, my roommate, my professor, my FRIENDS.

I am constantly dishing out the advice of "Every once and a while you HAVE to be selfish and ask yourself what YOU want." I need to maybe take my own advice. But not now. Maybe later. That's always the response.

What my heart wants, I guess, isn't worth how much I would be disappointing people and letting them down.

In a perfect world, Hairspray would do a revival on Broadway and hold open casting calls, I would spend all the money I have to go to New York and audition, I would kick ass at the part I was MADE to play, and I would never have another freaking worry in the world. In a perfect world...

And in the end- I come back down from the pity cloud, and I think of how much I have to be grateful for. I have the most loving and supportive family, the greatest friends, a talent that keeps me alive, and I'm alive.

But if anyone reading this knows someone or you, personally, want to give away or buy me a car, just let me know :)