Mind overflow

I have had way too much free time on my hands that I haven't spent wisely.

I've been thinking.

Which is a terrible idea.

I think and then I over-think and then I over-analyze and then I'm just unhappy.

There's been some productive thinking though, too.

For instance, I thought a lot about my last year.

This might not have been the most fun year of my life, or the most stimulating, but it was by far the greatest year of my life so far.

Not because there were awesome parties, or because I was happy for the majority of it (neither of those things are particularly true), it was because it was the most real.

When I moved to Coeur d'Alene (8 years ago in August. Wow.) I was not a happy kid. Living in Billings, Montana had been the worst experience I could ever imagine, and I would never wish that on anyone. All I wanted was to have friends after Montana, and so I sacrificed who I was a little bit to make sure that happened.

And it did. I made lots of friends- some of them I'm still friends with now- and those people have seen me change. A lot. For the good and the bad. And they're still around. And that means a lot.

But I can honestly say it took me 3 years in Idaho to feel comfortable enough to start being my real self.

At the end of Freshman year, I had met some really cool upperclassmen in theatre, and it made me feel okay about showing my "weird" side.

I got better about not trying to be someone I wasn't throughout high school, and while I was going through it- I thought I was being really truthful to myself- but looking back- I wasn't. And it took me until this last year- my sophomore year of college- to see what it REALLY feels like to be 100% myself, 100% of the time.

Let me tell you- It's an incredible feeling.

I owe it all to very specific people.

Biff is the one in highschool who made me see things differently. And she has been someone who has helped me probably more than she knows. She took me under her wing when she was a senior and I was a freshman, and then did it AGAIN at the U of I- and kinda gave me an IN.

Then there's Madison- who is like my twin- just older and wiser. She taught me so much about feeling beautiful as I am and owning who I am.

Then Chase- who taught me ALL about being sassy :) and has just been my big brother- he taught me so much about people and dealing with situations and being an adult. He was so honest with me and that was so refreshing. And he loved me. Truly, sincerely, no reservations, loved me. Loves me.

And Mandie- taught me, like Madison, how to love myself and feel beautiful. My Varya. My sister. Mandie is one of the strongest people I know. She taught me about romance, relationships, life....

And with everything these people taught me, I learned so much about myself. I grew up a lot this year.

I hate to sound all corny- but right now- I miss all of these people so much. They've all graduated and moved away- and they're starting their lives.

So thinking about next year without them is really hard- but knowing how much they passed down to me- I hope I can do that for someone. I hope I can be someone's Chase or Mandie.

I can already tell, this summer, that I'm a different person. And it's for the better. I just see things a lot differently (not to sound cliche) and I get what's important.

Just kinda spilling out what's on my mind- I have some time on my hands babysitting the most self-sufficient kid ever. And I'm here til 5.... so I have plenty more thinking to do :)