Ouvre les yeux

I keep finding myself telling people "Well that's life".

I don't even know if I know what that means.

I'm using "That's life" as a way to minimize my problems and emotions- to avoid letting people know how much I'm actually hurting or feeling something.

I found out last night that one of me and my siblings' best friends from Colorado was murdered on his birthday. Shot in the head. He was 24 that day.

I'm allowed to be upset about that. It's okay. But when people ask if I'm okay- or how I'm doing- people that legitimately care about me (not just asking to be polite)- I say "It's really sad. But that's life"

That's not life. 24 year olds don't just get murdered. I never want that to be "life" to me. I just want to avoid the subject altogether.

This has been a death-filled 6 months for me. And I feel it just as hard with each person- in a new way depending on what kind of affect they had on me. I never want to be someone who is used to people dying. As hard as it is- I want it to hit me this hard every time.

It means I'm still human.

It means I'm still me.

And with all of this happening- with each person that has passed- I think to myself each time- holy crap, life really is so short.

Ms. Hedahl was 39 when she died.

I still think about her every day. Every. Day.

It's so cliche to say "You never know how much someone means to you until they're gone"- but it's so true.

Not that I didn't always love Ms. Hedahl- because I did- but I never knew HOW MUCH. Until I was forced to think about all the great times we had and how much she helped me- and how that had come to an end.

My bio and headshot got put in the program for Coeur d'Alene Summer Theatre. Awesome.

I dedicate everything to her in it.

I remember a specific conversation we had my senior year about Hairspray. She told me I could easily sing the part and I'd be better than the girl in the movie. She was my teacher though- she had to say that :) And I remember her always encouraging me to audition for CDA Summer Theatre

Well I did you one better, Ms. Hedahl- I combined the two :)

I guess- I don't know what really this is about. Just a lot on my mind.

Mostly that I don't want to hold grudges. I don't want to hold onto little things that really don't matter in the long run. The people that I'm mad at for hurting me- I still love them. Doesn't that trump everything else?

I'm always saying that love is stronger than anything else in the world. Maybe I should start listening when I speak.

Maybe it's time for some more changes.